I was in my twenties when an astrologer told me that I had to be re-born in this life. When I met Osho, this started to make more sense. I noticed that I was out of touch with myself. I could not really tell what my being wanted and what others had put into me. Doing Osho’s active meditations I went from feeling fragmented and split to feeling more whole and at ease. I was rediscovering parts of myself that had gone missing and discarding ideas that were not really mine. I started to reclaim my inner child, my sensitivity, my anger, sadness, and I connected with my intrinsic sense of knowing.
In those first years of meditation there was this hope I could become somebody more perfect, somebody without wounds and crippling conditionings; somebody free, powerful, and successful. The enthusiasm and intense energy around Osho and His commune was so uplifting that I could be more myself, more of this curious and alive energy. I became more daring, trusted what life had in stock for me, and was less concerned with security and fitting in. I was in the middle of my first Saturn return, discarding everything that was not truly me and feeling protected by Osho's energy.
Then experiences of failure, physical limitations, unfulfilled love desires, and Osho's physical death brought some doubts into my magical kingdom of unending blissfulness and gave rise to the all-too-familiar desire to overcome any future obstacles and to control life. One of the traumatic experiences of this time was to be in love with somebody unavailable. I could not express this love energy, nor could I ignore it. Sitting on it, I became more and more gloomy. Meditation would not help, not even Dynamic, and finally I had an accident. The accident was a tragedy for me as a dance teacher, but also a relief as it ended my depression and brought me back to myself. I had to wear a cast and could not work for a while. But mostly my image of myself as a sannyasin was shattered: No higher powers had saved me. My unconsciousness was exposed, and I felt a bit ashamed.
On the positive side, the experience of this accident stopped my habit of running after unavailable men. I started to value myself more and focused on my own dreams. But a bit of innocence was lost, too. Now I wanted to be somebody special, somebody men would run after.
In short, a new, more ambitious ego was born with its dreams of power and a more fulfilling life somewhere in the future. Fear, worries, and limiting thoughts arise as byproducts of a mind running the show. Each desire to succeed brings the dread of failure. The desire to look good and be the center of attention brings stage fright and the suspicion of never being good enough. This cripples the spontaneous flow of life energy in all its forms of expression. Excessively thinking about strategies of success and protection against the pitfalls of life, I lose contact with alive presence and exhaust my energies. When I allow this mind of mine to run the show, much is wrong and unfulfilled and so little time left to finally get it right. I slowly sink into dark spaces of despair, distrust, ambition, and fear.
Coming back into my heart I am excited and happy with life as it is, full of creativity and love. I feel like a child in a wondrous land, enjoying myself. It’s a peaceful place and does not need much.Being with Osho has brought much joy and easiness to my being. It has melted away much of my general distrust in life and in people. A taste of blissfulness lingers in ordinary moments.When challenges arise old habits tend to come back: I become more controlling, and think I can do it all by myself. I believe it’s just a matter of improving my skills, my thoughts, my outer experience.
Do you know the story of Heaven and Hell? It’s one of the old Osho tarot cards and tells how by becoming unconscious we create hell right here, right now. It’s our own choice.
I find that meditation helps to get me out of insanity.
Meditation brings light into my darkness. It quiets my mind and allows me to just be. There is only one problem with it: I actually have to do it and do it regularly. It's not a once-in-a-while thing, it needs continuity. It's like a living plant. If you stop watering it for a few days, the leaves start looking ugly.
So once again I had to drag myself out of my own turmoil and find my way back to clarity and a regular morning meditation. This time it's yoga and Vipassana. It feels wonderful!
The question is: Will I be able to stick with my routine in the turmoil of my life and the next full moon? It’s easy at new moon, when I am rational, systematic, and focused, and my life is in order. Somehow things get a little messy as the moon progresses, and I don't really notice the point when I am abandoning my early morning meditation once again...
pashyo@sbcglobal.net
Published in Viha Connection Magazine, January/February 2012
http://www.oshoviha.org/
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