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Being a sannyasin has been a process of learning to trust myself. My intrinsic tendency to reject rules and regulations and instead trust my own judgement received much confirmation in the world of Osho. Spending time in meditation, doing Osho’s active meditations and listening to his words has helped to uncover this inner voice, my own sense of direction.
Meditation strengthens this space of knowing. Whereas trying to reach a decision through thinking usually just puts me into a state of confusion.
I took great pleasure learning how to read tarot cards, to use a pendulum and go on dream journeys to explore the unconscious parts of myself. These tools have helped me along the way and I still use them as a means of self-exploration. Although I have developed a better sense of just knowing, tarot cards can still show me facets of an issue that I had not seen before.
I also use tarot cards to help other people to get a better understanding of their inner world and to make decisions that are closer to their own inner truth. By doing this work I am strengthening my inner sense of knowing, of being an open space for the universe to come through. Giving readings I rest in this intimate space of love and mutual sharing, a space I would like to live from generally.
Aloneness, quiet time with myself, cooking, folding laundry, washing dishes, all this strengthens my being inside of myself. My favorite is the quiet time I spend in our back yard. Surrounded by birds, resting in the shade of our beautiful peach tree I connect with the universe, feel loved and know that there is nothing to achieve.
Where I get in trouble is with my significant other or friends. I find it hard to stay conscious. I get lost in the process of communication. I try to please; I compromise and find it difficult to say no when I need to. I fight over words, concepts and become a robot where you can push a button und you get a standard emotional response.
When I notice that I lost contact with source, because I feel lousy, drained and disconnected from my own body, all that I need to do is give up the desire to be heard, understood or to be right. Then I turn around and enter my inner garden, where I am always welcome and loved, where nothing is ever achieved and nothing is lost and I drop my demands that the other person should behave in a certain way.
Looking at it from the other side, the demands of close friends on me confuse my inner compass. It is hard to stay in my flow when my significant other expects me to go along with his flow. How do I know that it is not only my ego making demands to stay separate? How do I know that it is not my friend’s deluded mind that makes requests on me? The plain answer is: I don’t know and there are no rules and there is every possibility of getting it wrong. All I can do is be present in the situation with the other and trust whatever I feel.
But there have been times when I did not want to notice, when I was too invested in achieving a certain outcome, when I compromised who I was for the sake of peace or recognition. This led to quite unpleasant situations. My learning is that even if it looks like a compromise will buy you peace, safety or just a good time with somebody you love, it never pays off. One compromise leads to another and what would have been a small difficulty can turn into a nightmare.
So my suggestion to others and myself is to be true to whatever self you can find inside yourself. It may not be the purity of your soul, it may just be a stupid ego, but it’s better to work with what you feel inside than to rely on somebody else’s judgment. You may be considered being difficult, it may cost you some friends, but it will help you to get in touch with yourself and will help your inner growth. With every decision you make on your own you learn how to trust yourself more, you notice how it feels when you follow your truth and how it feels when you go astray. I learnt not to avoid confrontation, to stand up for myself. Being myself is more important than fitting in.
And that brings me back to the beginning: Meditation is that tool that cuts through all those lies that keep us imprisoned in darkness.
“There is no greater power than trusting oneself – its fragrance is not of this world; peace, bliss and truth flow from this fragrance. He who trusts himself is in heaven and he who mistrusts himself holds the keys of hell in his hands….” from: A cup of tea, # 116, Bhagwan Shree Rajneesh, March 1980
Published in Viha Connection Magazine, September/October 2010
http://www.oshoviha.org/
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